Live from my couch, it’s Saturday night! by Abigail Kylberg

What a night…

Sticky hands and slippery shoes with a side of verbal abuse.

Oh, to be a bartender.

Removing my tight canvas vans revealing swollen feet.

Still in my damp, liquor-coated clothes, I lay on my once-made bed.

Bzzz bzzz bzzz

The ping of the phone I haven’t checked in hours rings in my ears. UGH!

Why do my friends only call me at WORK?

Sorry, everyone, I’m not taking requests for anything right now.

Clinging on to a burst of energy, I roll off the bed and into the bathroom.

Legs stiffer than the trunk of a tree.

Knowing I need to wash this night right off of me, all I want to do is lay down on the slippery

porcelain ground.

No… don’t do that.

Shower means clean. Shower means relaxed. Shower means happy.

One struggle later, it’s finally the best part of my Saturday night.

The moment that I long for the second I press the ‘clock in’ button every day at noon sharp…

Sit on the couch time.

POP! FIZZZZ goes my $4 bottle of Grocery Outlet sparkling rosé.

I fill my glass with the liquid gold, just enough to pass the “Girlboss” embellishment.

Hang on, I’m missing something.


My favorite blanket.

I frantically sprint upstairs like a character in an anime film.

There it is, the most luxurious item in my possession – under the big fat cat.

I wrap the little goofball in the blanket and reclaim my spot on the warm, welcoming couch.

As I plop down, kitty immediately sprints back upstairs.

Night ruined.

The only thing that can save me now…

My favorite episode of New Girl

The sitcom introduction satisfies my ears as the bitter drink bubbles over my tastebuds.

These are the moments that I really long for.

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